With every New Year, like everyone else, I set goals for myself that are near impossible for me to reach because I tend to set them too high. Maybe it's because I am finally realizing I'm growing older, maybe it's cause I'm finally using the sense god gave me.....who knows why, but I've decided that I'm not going to set imopossible goals for myself anymore....I'm going to start from the bottom, not the top, not the middle but from the very bottom. I'm 37 years old and have come to realize how much of my life I've wasted being stubborn, stuck in my ways, tempermental and at times a flat out bitch at times. I don't always "listen" but always find the time to put in my two sense. With this new year, I've decided to start by dealing with each situation one at a time, rather than trying to be "superwoman" and handle everything at once. I have my issues to deal with like marrying a girl 13 years younger than myself whom I adore and have no clue in the world how in the hell she puts up with my moody ass at times, I've gotta grandbaby on the way and have wasted many years being stuck in a rut waiting for the other shoe to drop when things are going good for me.
I started the new year with my friends, family members here in Florida (although I miss my up north family more than they realize), my fellow cast members of 100 Degrees Celsius, I finally made amends with my oldest child whom I didn't speak to or see in over a year and just decided that just because I'm older than most, I'm never too old to learn. I'm moodier than most females my age which makes things complicated, have a 15 year old who is all hormonal and driving me nuts, but I love him more than he realizes. Rather than concentrate on everything that's going shitty in my live, I've decided to look forward to the good tmes, because you never know when it's going to end.
As crazy as she makes me, I love my girl and have realized that inspite of what I've always thought, age really doesn't matter when you love someone. She can be my weakness and my strenght and puts up with my bullshit which says a lot more than anyone realizes an for that, I love her all that much more although I don't always show it and should. I'll never be perfect, and am set in my ways, but I am gonna do my best to let her know how much she means to me and try to stop being so hard on her.
As far as my kids, (although most of them are already grown)I'm gonna try to be the mother to them that I wasn't before and do better to listen rather than passing judgment. I know I need to have more paitence which for me is very difficult, but the only promise I can make is that I'll try my best. Although I still feel awkward about becoming a grandma, I have no choice but to accept it and will do my best to be the best I can be.
The only thing about me that I know I'm gonna remain the same about is the fact that I am who I am and have earned the right to do so, other's oppinions of me don't matter to me whatsoever, the fact of the matter is, you either love me or hate me, either way, I'm gonna walk with my head high and not let anyone change me into what they think I can be. I know what changes I need to make and won't let anyone dictate them to me. I will make them changes in my own time.
With regard to my girl, there are those who player hate, all I can say to them is grow up, y'all had you chance and blew it. The truth of the matter is, as much as she may have screwed up in the past, it's the relationship that she and I share that has helped her become the person she has become. I can't take all the credit, she did most of it on her own, it just took the right person to make her want to do the right thing. Jelousy is an ugly thing and trust and believe I'm not worried in the least, you know who you are, and you lost your chance, so get over it, I have no time for games.
I guess what it all boils down to is that I have a new out look and am gonna do my best to stick to it without distractions. That's what this Ney Year means to me